


(don't) Leave me alone

by hana_bean



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Anxiety, Cheating, Depression, Drama, F/F, F/M, Love Triangles, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Post Sailor Stars, Romance, Sailor Moon Sailor Stars, Shoujo-ai, Yuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-03
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:48:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29169870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hana_bean/pseuds/hana_bean
Summary: Twelve years after Chaos is defeated, the Starlights return to Earth on royal business. Though Seiya and Usagi have grown and changed since back then, a fateful girls’ night out for them leads to reawakenings, realizations, and mixed messages.
Relationships: Seiya Kou/Tsukino Usagi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 10





	1. Bedroom Wall (prlg)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello all! I hope everyone enjoys :) Please see the notes below!
> 
> 1\. Even though this story takes place twelve years after the last episode, the setting is in the present. Trying to recall life back in 2009 would take my whole lifetime. The best things I can remember are Ayumi Hamasaki's NEXT LEVEL album and that I had a sweet BlackBerry Pearl.
> 
> 2\. This story contains subjects of anxiety and depression. I will post warnings on the chapters which explicitly reference them. Please read at your own discretion.
> 
> 3\. There will also be explicit adult content of sexual situations. I will post warnings on chapters that will contain them. Please read at your own discretion.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Please. This isn't easy for me—”
> 
> “You think it’s easy for me? After all we’ve been through? After all you promised?” The princess fought to maintain her composure. Within her attempts to keep from screaming, her voice trembled with every word. 
> 
> She was right, though, their mutual attraction used to be palpable. It didn't take long for Fighter and Kakyuu to find some spare time and secret places, and it was still fresh in the guardian's mind of all that went on and all that was said. At the time, she meant every word and relished in the inappropriateness of it all. Her thoughts were conquered by her and her alone.
> 
> But now her thoughts crowned a different princess to rule them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please look out for song references in the notes for each chapter if that's something you enjoy! :)
> 
> \---
> 
> "Bedroom Wall" by BANKS

The olive trees, which used to stand tall and emit a fragrance so sweet, now stood bare without their fruit. The roads, which had paved paths between lively destinations, now were lined with lifeless bodies. The city, which once resonated growth and grandeur, was now silent. 

When she used to feel the grass underneath, she now felt rubble; when she used to see the beauty of the city, she now saw destruction; when she used to feel hope, she now felt despair. Everything she would equate with her planet, her palace, her princess…

Was gone. 

And the smell... oh god, the smell. Sailor Star Fighter lifted the back of her hand to cover her nose, staring with dark eyes so horrified while stepping over the rotting corpses. Some looked to be peacefully sleeping while others took their last breath in agony. Since the return of all the star seeds in the universe, she now witnessed that what she destroyed during those early days were not monsters…

But were men, women… and children.

All four of them had split up, wandering around to different sides of the Kinmokian palace. Each overwhelmed with disbelief at the desolation, they all parted in silent understanding. The exterior looked relatively intact with only a few damages—windows broken, doors smashed in, and a hole in the roof on the south side outlined in soot. At least it was still standing.

Fighter continued her solo exploration into the palace, gravitating toward the soldiers’ quarters at the west end. The clicks of her heels echoed against the high ceilings and barren walls before she walked through a door and into a crumbling and ransacked room. There was a gaping hole where a balcony once hung, providing a view of the leveled capital. The room used to belong to her, and like her heart and life, much of it had to be rebuilt and restored…

“I knew I’d find you here.” 

Fighter turned around to the crimson-clad Princess Kakyuu standing in the open doorway, and feigned a small smile before turning back around to look outward.

“Yeah, I just kind of wandered in here.”

Kakyuu beamed and strode into the room, stopping once she was close to her Starlight. She resumed talking to the back of her head.

“I’m glad everyone is okay. Kikyo stayed behind and tended to the wounded and displaced all this time. Thank goodness. I don’t think we would have been welcomed so warmly if all of us left like Papa wanted us to.”

Fighter nodded. Kakyuu’s older sister was always quite the humanitarian of the family, possessing the softest heart for the underprivileged and unfortunate. But who could blame the king for wanting all of his kids to be safe? At that point, he was not thinking in terms of a royal, but of a father who wanted to protect his children.

Kakyuu began to feel weary because her protector had not yet turned to face her. “And now we get to start all over. Things will be better than before.” 

Fighter’s eyes strayed from the natural landscape ahead to that of the sparkly one in the evening sky, immediately noticing _that_ planet. It was one she used to forget about and overlook. Granted, it was tiny and blended in with the rest of the stars and planets around it, but today it seemed different than what she remembered—it looked so brilliant, surrounded by a protective aura that was so bright and beautiful, never to be ignored again. She never realized she would eventually know its name and visit that minuscule speck millions of miles away. She never knew it would be the place where the fate of the universe would be held, and that she would have a part in saving it. She never intended to get to know some of its inhabitants…

_Odango…_

“And we’ll get to be together again,” Kakyuu continued. 

Soon Fighter felt arms encircle her bare waist as a cheek laid between her shoulder blades, stiffening at the touch. She placed her hands over Kakyuu's, although, it wasn’t to welcome the affection. She had to close her eyes to work up the courage for the conversation she needed to have.

“Princess, I have to ask you something.”

She giggled. “Why are you calling me ‘Princess?’ You don’t have to say it when no one’s around.”

The Starlight clenched her jaw and kept her gaze at the horizon, ignoring the suggestion. “I wish to keep Seiya as a civilian identity.”

Again, the princess was humored. “Why would you want to do that?”

“I just… need to.” What was she doing? Why? She knew if she kept up with Seiya, the pain would definitely not go away, the memories would definitely not fade. While sometimes she wished there was a way to erase her experience, she concurrently couldn’t fathom forgetting about everything. And while she never considered herself a masochist, she wanted to punish herself for falling in love… and at the same time, falling out of it.

“Don’t tell me you want to keep that male disguise, too.” Kakyuu teased.

Fighter couldn’t bring herself to share in the lightheartedness. “No. I would just... like to be able to have an identity. A way to take a mental break from my duties, perhaps.”

She nuzzled the Starlight’s hair at the nape of her neck, her soft breath sending tingles through her body. “Well, okay. If it makes you happy.”

“Princess,” Fighter wedged herself out of Kakyuu's embrace to face her with eyes on edge. “Someone could see us.”

Red lips sounded a scoff. “It's okay, there's no one here.”

She shook her head. “We shouldn't risk it… They’ve been through so much already.”

Tears threatened to spill as Kakyuu put a hand to her mouth to contain the sobs if they were to come. “Don’t tell me it’s true.”

“What do you mean?”

She looked down while she fidgeted with her bell sleeves, taking a few moments to construct a coherent answer. “At first I thought Maker was misguided when she told me you took a liking for Sailor Moon..."

Fighter faintly hissed in a breath. It stung to hear her name, even if it was only her soldier title. 

Kakyuu kept on. “I mean, you _were_ down there for a while before I showed myself. It never crossed my mind for you to be stolen away. I thought we were so strong.” A few silent tears descended her cheeks, as she waited for the guardian to deny everything and take her up in her arms... for things to resume to the way they were.

And yet, she was kept waiting.

“Princess, I’m sorry.” Fighter sighed with glistening eyes.

“But you know the legend. She’s destined for someone else!” 

The guardian’s throat and chest tightened. The legend, while its origins lay in the Milky Way, echoed throughout all corners of the universe for thousands of years. The romantic story of a princess and a prince and a doomed love from the past fated to be reborn with a destiny to endure forever. Many thought it was all folklore and fairytales; it happened so far away and so long ago. Before that day when Fighter met the Serenity Princess incarnate, it used to be her favorite childhood story and she dreamed of one day being that princess fated to meet her prince...

She never thought in a million years that, conversely, she would end up wanting to steal that princess away. 

“Please. This isn't easy for me—”

“You think it’s easy for me? After all we’ve been through? After all you promised?” The princess fought to maintain her composure. Within her attempts to keep from screaming, her voice trembled with every word. 

She was right, though, their mutual attraction used to be palpable. It didn't take long for Fighter and Kakyuu to find some spare time and secret places, and it was still fresh in the guardian's mind of all that went on and all that was said. At the time, she meant every word and relished in the inappropriateness of it all. Her thoughts were conquered by her and her alone.

But now her thoughts crowned a different princess to rule them. 

Fighter closed her eyes, sensing them becoming hot with the onset of apologetic and exhaustive tears. “No… it’s just… I… I’m just really confused right now. And it’s just not fair to you—”

“I can’t believe this,” Kakyuu buried her face in her hands. The composure had crumbled. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have waited so long to show myself.” 

“It’s not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself.”

Kakyuu sniffled, cleansing her face of the remnants of her salty discharge with her fingers, and said nothing. Fighter feared what was going through her mind—as sweet as she was, those wordless moments were the most dangerous. But then Kakyuu looked up, smiling in defiance through the tears.

“That’s okay. I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait as long as it takes.” She stepped closer to her former lover and gingerly grabbed her face to plant a heavy kiss on her lips, lingering for several moments to ensure Fighter would be able to taste her for one last time.

The guardian then watched the princess glide out of the room, never looking back. As horrible as she felt, she couldn’t deny she had a weight lifted from her shoulders. But it still killed her to see the princess cry and plead to understand her pain, because she could all too well relate, which was the tragic irony of it all. Fighter could only wonder if Usagi felt just as tormented.

But why would she? Her boyfriend was back, she had her friends, her destiny, her happiness... there was no room for anything else. How could Fighter ever fit into her life? How could she ever manage to make Usagi as happy as what she already had? No, it could never be; she belonged here on this shattered planet with these shattered people. How could she even hope there was a place for her even as a _friend_?

Fuck that word.


	2. Say You'll Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s been so long, and it’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you.” Kakyuu couldn’t contain her beaming face. “You look so beautiful tonight.”
> 
> Seiya smiled. “You too, Princess. You must tell me all about your trip.”
> 
> “Oh wow, that’ll take so long. I want to hear how it has been with you, Seiya—I mean, Madame…” She covered her giggle with her hand.
> 
> “Don’t—Princess, it’s—please, it’s fine.” Seiya stuttered in annoyed awkwardness. “The prince just thinks he’s really funny but far, far from it.”
> 
> “Yes, well, my brother still has you, and that makes up for everything else.” The princess looked down into her fidgeting hands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Say You'll Go" by Janelle Monáe

She turned a corner into a hallway that led to her destination. The natural draft of the inside picked up her black ponytail and leather sailor collar, blowing back her long side-swept bangs. Her strides were purposeful and familiar, though quiet as the thick red carpet muted the clicks of her heeled boots. 

Sailor Star Fighter ended up in front of a door, running a gloved thumb under her bottom lip to wipe away any stray lipstick before knocking. She bowed in response as a recognizable head of red answered.

“Your highness.”

The referenced royal smiled and stepped aside. “Come in, Fighter.”

She strolled inside the bedchamber and immediately noticed a moving holographic visual of a news anchor talking on the wall across the bed. She furrowed her brow as she stared at it. “I can’t believe they have the gall to call the invasion a fucking union.”

“Ginmoku was a weak planet, and thus an easy target.”

“Kamoku is too dangerous and they’re getting arrogant. We’re the next stop in the system.”

“They’d be stupid to move onto us so soon.”

“We shouldn’t be so dismissive. We’re who they’re really after.” Fighter ran her hand through her hair with a heavy sigh. “I should be out there.”

“No… you’re right where you need to be—protecting me.” The royal smiled, moving closer to the Starlight to take her in a lustful embrace from behind and planting a soft kiss on the tip of her shoulder.

She huffed, putting her hands on her hips. “I’m serious. The field guardians are practically babies and haven’t seen a real battle.”

“There are plenty of veterans out there with them. And _I_ need you.” The kisses moved up her neck.

Fighter then crossed her arms. “Which head is saying that?”

“Both heads. And both hearts.”

“I thought dicks were supposed to be heartless.”

He buried his face within the crook of her neck to chuckle. “Then I guess that makes me not a dick.”

Fighter couldn’t help but snicker and turned around to face the touchy royal, snaking her hands from his chest to behind his neck.

“Are you ready for tonight?”

He cocked an eyebrow while sucking in a breath. “Let’s skip it.”

“I’d love to see you try.” She responded through light laughter.

“They won’t notice me gone. Kyuna’s the birthday brat anyway.”

“Well, it just so happens that, at least for now, you’re the more important twin. With a coronation and a wedding coming up, they will sniff you out from a black hole if they have to.”

The reminder of such information painted his face with a longing sadness. “You’re coming with me, right?” His tone was soft and hopeful.

A tad confused about the question, she responded with an unsettled rhythm. “Uh, well… I’ll surely be there. Probably stationed at the south door—”

“No, I mean as my guest.” His tone then turned stern.

“You were serious about that?” She blinked fast enough for her long, dark eyelashes to almost take her up in flight.

“Of course.”

“Do you not understand the shitstorm it will cause? The king might actually kill you.”

“I already agreed to marry the Keikan princess as he wanted, so he’s pretty much in _my_ pocket at this point. If he kills me, there goes our ally in the west.”

“Kyo, I just—” she placed her hands over her face to contain her discomfort, leaving her nose and mouth exposed. “The prince and a guardian walking in together for a royal event is practically putting a target on my back.”

“People know about us anyway. What difference will it make?”

What's with these royal children and wanting to tell the whole world of their business? Fighter removed her hands to allow her eyes to emphasize her attitude. “So you _don’t_ understand the shitstorm this will cause.”

“What good will it do for the monarchy to defame one of the most beloved and revered Starlights in our history? The whole planet would do Kamoku’s bidding and help overthrow us. And believe me, dad knows that.”

She made a “tch” sound and shook her head, unable to argue with him. Though, she still thought it was a bad idea.

Kyo smiled with obnoxious victory, before leaning down to whisper with his lips grazing her ear. “This will be the last time we can do that.”

Fighter didn’t resist the prince’s actions; the feeling of his touch and voice sent tingles all over her body. She grabbed his head to guide their lips to meet with passionate intentions for several moments. Her gloved hands placed themselves on his jaw and his hands found their way inside her shorts to squeeze her bare bottom as he moaned into her mouth. In between their progressing tongue play and lip biting, Kyo felt a flash from behind his closed eyelids and soon felt bare fingertips on his chin and the prison of her shorts gone. He pulled his head back and opened his eyes to be met with a de-transformed and stark naked Seiya. Her wavy raven locks were out of its regimental ponytail and cascaded to one side down to her hip, covering one of her pink-tipped breasts. Her eyes, lustful yet coy, looked down as she bit into her lips.

“It is your birthday after all.”

* * *

“The court welcomes Prince Kyohaku, and his guest—the fighter, defender, and protector of our planet, galaxy, and universe—Sailor Star Fighter, in her civilian form, Madame Seiya.”

Still looking forward, Seiya leaned over to her plus one and whispered: “That was an unnecessary mouthful.”

Kyo adjusted his crown with a wink. “Maybe. I feel like he missed something.” 

She pursed her lips with narrow eyes. “I hate you so much.”

Both walked in arm-in-arm down a long, narrow red rug which spanned a quarter of the room from the entrance. In the style of royalty, she donned a black and blue sheer robe dress with long flare sleeves and a long skirt which billowed behind her as she walked, otherwise dragging on the floor if she were at rest. The skirt’s front opening revealed her long bare legs; her body truly covered only by a black corset, small puffy shorts, and black heels with a curvy, upturned toe. Her hair was styled up with various small braids, twisted and peaking throughout a mass of curls, and held in place with jeweled pins and barrettes, with the exception of two thick, straight tendrils laid over her shoulders.

Ah yes, here they are—the cautious stares, the faint whispers, the blatant stink eyes… Why would anyone invade anyone for _this_?

She wouldn’t be faced with the judgment for much longer since the guests bowed in succession as they passed, having to stare at the ground to perform their duty to the prince. Kyo placed a hand over Seiya’s to send a silent message of support as he noticed the volume of murmurs was louder than normal. She returned the gesture, stacking her other hand over his as a silent, ‘I told you so.’

Once settled into the festivities, she wasted no time calling over a butler with the wine tray, politely requesting that he keep a special eye on her drink and replenish until she says otherwise. While Kyo had to mingle and make the rounds, Seiya broke herself away to seek out safe company in a corner of the room.

“Look who decided to associate with us peasants.” Sailor Star Healer eyed the dolled-up Seiya with contempt and a hint of envy.

“Of course, it’s always nice to talk to the little people once in a while.” Seiya took a sip of wine and flipped a stray braid as a sarcastic display.

Healer sneered, unappreciative of her serving the same attitude. However, she paused to give Seiya another once-over and changed her tune. “Do you at least get to keep the dress?”

Seiya looked around and stepped closer. “Do you think they’ll notice if it disappears?” 

Standing with folded arms beside Healer, Sailor Star Maker spoke up. “I wouldn’t count on it. Unless it’s damaged.”

“One of the courtiers stepped on it while we were in line to enter, does that count?” Seiya took a sip of wine in thought. 

“Dirt and grime are to be expected.”

A lightbulb immediately went off above Healer. “What about wine spills?”

Maker cocked an eyebrow. “That’s probably their exact definition of damage.”

Healer displayed the most devilish grin. “Seiya, spill on yourself! And make sure you get the puffy shorts too!”

“What? No! We’re not even two hours in.” She lowered her voice to contain her outrage.

“Whatever, it’s a dark color. It won’t show!”

Seiya glared deep into Healer’s lime green eyes. “ _No_.”

She scoffed. “Okay, maybe not spill but like,” she paused her sentence to come up with a second suggestion, and soon began to make waving motions with the back of her hand. “Maybe flick some droplets on yourself.”

Seiya snorted. “If we wait, I guarantee you someone at this party has it out for me and will gladly ‘accidentally’ spill on me.”

“But we have to make sure you get the puffy shorts!” She took it upon herself to stick two gloved fingers in Seiya’s wine to get the job done herself.

“Yaten! What the hell are you—stop!” Seiya began backing away from her attacker, though the latter kept her pace well holding up a threatening hand of dripping liquid.

“My clothes won’t even fit you! Go bother the children’s tailor!”

“Madame Seiya?”

The two recognized the voice and halted their antics, practically frozen in their postures for a solid few seconds. When they faced it, Healer stood tall with both hands behind her back, and Seiya stroked her thick hair streams over her shoulders in a puny effort to save face. Maker, still in the vicinity, shook her head.

Two red-headed princesses stood by with amused expressions as they stared at the bickering women. How long they had been there was a mystery Seiya and Healer didn’t want to think about.

“Princess Kyuna.” Seiya curtsied low with a leg crossed over the other as she held out the side of her dress. “Happy birthday, my princess. I hope you are having a good time so far.”

“Thank you, _Madame_ Seiya.” The referenced princess giggled and couldn’t help but shimmy her body in the process. She was dressed nearly identical to the raven-haired beauty, however in the official royal red colors and with more hair loops, jewels, jangles, and sparkles. “I’m sorry, it just makes me laugh to say it. Everyone here is talking about you!”

“That’s great.” Seiya squeaked out a response as she feigned a smile and cried invisible tears; Kyuna was well-known for her imperceptiveness and ignorance. Everyone wondered how she shared a womb with the contrasting nature of the calmer, more congenial Kyo. However, as a blessing in disguise, it was Seiya’s duty to address the other princess standing beside her.

“Princess Kakyuu,” Seiya curtsied just as deeply toward her. "Welcome back."

Kakyuu’s face beamed once she said her name. “Seiya, it’s good to see you.”

“Kakyuu, it’s _Madame_ Seiya.” Kyuna reprimanded her younger sister and even swatted at her. “You shouldn’t be so informal!”

“It’s okay, I’ve been called worse,” Seiya assured.

“Oh yes, the names flying around here are _very_ creative.” Kyuna laughed at herself way too hard, resulting in uncomfortable smiles from the rest. Though, her laughter died down as she grasped her stomach all of a sudden with a look of horror. Everyone else’s discomfort switched to concerned confusion.

“Oh… my… I—I suddenly need to excuse myself.” She set her sights on the silent guardians standing behind the madame. “Excuse me, Starlight. I will need assistance in the washroom.”

Healer and Maker bowed in unison, though the latter dared to speak up. “Do you need both of us, Princess?”

“I need someone strong. Come with me, tall one.” She gestured with a pointer finger.

Maker nodded without question. “Yes, Princess.”

“Nice try.” Healer pushed out a throaty whisper from the side of her mouth.

Maker seemed to hear nothing as she joined Kyuna in their hurried journey to the nearest washroom.

Kakyuu, Seiya, and Healer were the only ones left standing. Though as far as Kakyuu was concerned, she had business with the madame.

“Healer, would you excuse us?” The princess smiled at her as she took Seiya’s arm and guided her toward a nearby pair of doors that opened to a terrace. As Seiya was led, she felt her heart rate spike, and a lump formed in her throat, though not big enough to prevent gulps of wine from going down. For how the night was going so far, there wouldn’t be enough wine in the world.

The two women sauntered onto the empty balcony, overlooking the acres of the royal courtyard and bright lights of the cityscape of the capital.

“It’s been so long, and it’s so good to see you. I’ve missed you.” Kakyuu couldn’t contain her beaming face. “You look so beautiful tonight.”

Seiya smiled. “You too, Princess. You must tell me all about your trip.”

“Oh wow, that’ll take so long. I want to hear how it has been with you, Seiya—I mean, _Madame_ …” She covered her giggle with her hand.

“Don’t—Princess, it’s—please, it’s fine.” Seiya stuttered in annoyed awkwardness. “The prince just thinks he’s really funny but far, _far_ from it.”

“Yes, well, my brother still has you, and that makes up for everything else.” The princess looked down into her fidgeting hands. 

Seiya winced as she was hoping by now Kakyuu had moved on from those comments. Tonight was the first time they had seen each other in a few years, and it was within those few years that Kyo and Seiya started to get to know each other. Kakyuu had been traveling with her older sister Kikyo, with both political and humanitarian agendas, to help the more disadvantaged planets still healing from Galaxia’s attack, and they had only returned this morning. But for the sake of avoiding any more tension for the night, Seiya gave her the benefit of the doubt.

“Princess, it’s not like that.”

“Right, of course. He’s getting married soon.” Kakyuu laughed at herself at her small oversight. “Do you know what you’re going to do then?”

“What do you mean?”

“You won’t be able to be together. So… will things be okay with you?”

“Um, well… things will be fine.” Seiya managed a chuckle. “He has his own life and responsibilities and I respect them. I will continue to serve out my duty to the royal family and this planet until death, no matter what happens in between.”

“So you’re not… in love with him?”

“It was never about being in love. We have a very deep connection and understanding with each other.”

“Is that not what love is?”

“Sure it is, but it’s not being _in_ love.” She blushed a bit as she took her time to find the right words. “It’s weird, but we’re the only ones who understand, and that’s what’s most important. I know on the outside it looks like a lot of things, but we’re happy with what we have and are content with what’s going to happen. We’ll be okay.” 

Kakyuu nodded. “I admire that. You’ve always had such a strong heart.”

Seiya tittered at both the absurdity and flattery of that comment. “It doesn’t feel like it.” 

After a few moments of silence, Kakyuu cleared her throat, perking up suddenly as she glanced through the windows which allowed her to view the packed room inside.

“I should be getting back, but… will I see you around?”

“Of course,” Seiya assured. “I’m still assigned as the prince’s personal detail.”

“Good. We’ll have to catch up.” The princess curtsied. “Have a good evening, Madame.”

Seiya was ready to jump off the balcony or punch Kyo square in the face, or both in any order. Instead, she humored Kakyuu and curtsied back in respect.

“You too, Princess.”

After Kakyuu’s departure, Seiya wanted to give herself a few minutes of solitude to decompress and regain the mental strength to return to the party. She decided it would be until she would finish her glass of wine, which would only take about three gulps. However, her alone time was cut short when the butler from earlier in the evening walked out toward her with a tray of a single full glass of wine. 

“Madame, your refill.” He bowed his head while holding up the black tray.

“Yes, thank you so much!” Seiya came off almost too excited as she grabbed the glass off the platter. She gulped down the rest of her wine from her first serving in one swig and then set the empty glass on the tray. However, the butler didn’t move as he kept staring at her in awe, making Seiya slightly uncomfortable.

“My Starlight, I just want to say we’re absolutely blessed and honored to be in your presence and serve you. We don’t understand how it’s not a daily occurrence.”

Seiya was truly touched, relieved to realize the guy wasn’t just being a creep. “I’m honored too, really. I saved this planet once, but it's saved every day by the people.”

“You are too kind, Madame.” He put a hand on his chest. “We pray for you every day at the Osmanthus temple that she blesses you in love, wisdom, and inner peace.”

“Oh, wow, thank—thank you. That’s so nice of you.” She tipped her head toward him in gratitude. Though, she had to wonder if Osmanthus had her headphones in or something during those prayers because Seiya felt she had none of that in her life.

“And don’t worry,” he looked around the surrounding area to double-check that they were alone. “I put curses on those in there who were talking about you.” He gave a wink and a thumbs-up.

“Ah… um, thank you… _again_ ,” was all she could think to respond with at the moment. She was going to pretend she didn’t hear that… or ask this question. “Was it a lot?”

He bobbed his head as he tallied the numbers in his mind. “A little more than half, give or take.” 

“Wow, really? More than half? _Really?_ ” Seiya couldn’t keep her voice from rising, becoming slightly offended.

“I usually go by how bad my hand cramps are, and the pain is about a level eight.”

“Damn! I mean, thank you, but… what exactly did you do?”

“Let’s just say the wine is going to give them a little… _intestinal_ discomfort.” He winked again.

It took her a couple of seconds before her mind finished buffering. She then wagged a finger at him with crinkled, mischievous eyes. “That’s good! Real, real sneaky! You’re good!”

“Anything for Sailor Star Fighter.” He gave her one last bow. “You have a good evening, Madame.”

“You too! Take care of that hand!” She raised her glass to him.

As the butler departed back indoors, Seiya kept her spot at the end of the balcony. She turned around and looked out into the bustling city ahead, resetting the internal timer on her alone time. Bringing her glass up to her lips for a fresh sip, she had to pause, remembering her interaction with Kyuna, and smirked in evil realization.

“Poor… poor Taiki.


	3. Blue Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sailor Moon… that’s that girl you’ve talked about before, right?”
> 
> “Yes.”
> 
> “Do you not want to see her?”
> 
> “It’s not about her,” Seiya pulled the zipper closed with a tight jaw. “I think it makes us look bad to ask for help. It’s important that our people believe in us.”
> 
> “But you said, ‘whatever it takes.’”
> 
> “Whatever it takes in our galaxy. I didn’t think that meant sending us to another one.”
> 
> “If it were any other _other_ galaxy, would you be this upset?”
> 
> She paused, staring into the abyss of her bag. “Probably not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This chapter contains themes of depression and anxiety. Please read at your own discretion.*
> 
> \---
> 
> "Blue Girl" by Chromatics

There was laughter, so boisterous and genuine… she resented it. How can they be so happy when she’s feeling like this? It seemed effortless for them to reach that feeling and focus on something else besides pain. And there was so, so much pain. How could they forget about it so easily? She lived in such happiness for so long before, yet now it felt so far away and like a fantasy. How did she do it back then? Why couldn’t she get there now? 

Usagi took a sip of her wine, staring at the colorful music video on the television screen. Lyrics were shown at the bottom for aid as the tone-deaf voice of her husband’s friend on a microphone pierced all ears in the room. Others around clapped and sang along, stopping to laugh each time his voice cracked and sang offkey. But he pulled through, finishing out with a relatively respectable score of forty percent. Perhaps his only saving grace was knowing all the words.

He sat down and handed off the microphone to a woman beside him as the next song started. She leaned in toward another female participant, holding the audio conduit close to their mouths to amplify their duet. 

And there it was again: the blatant happiness. It made her anxious. The desire to go home was so powerful, Usagi breathed in deeply in efforts to subdue the overflow. However, such an action didn’t go unnoticed as she then felt a hand on her arm, and turned around to face her husband.

“Was there something you wanted to sing?” He smiled as he gave her arm a gentle squeeze.

“Um, I’m okay, Mamo.” Usagi shook her head. “I’ll just watch.”

“Have you looked at the catalog? I’m sure you can find something.” He pointed to a touchscreen tablet sitting on a low table in front of them.

“I’m okay, Mamo.” She repeated with a fake smile and placed her hand over his with an affirmative pat.

He nodded before he leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. “Are you having fun?”

Usagi nodded with an unconvincing rhythm. “Mmhm, yes.”

With another squeeze of her arm, Mamoru sat back in the booth to be near his two other friends. For a moment all three heads leaned in close to one another, whispering about something which resulted in another booming laughing session. 

That laughter separated Usagi from the singing duo, leaving her as a lone and lonely person with her own edge of the booth. Though, it wasn’t as inconspicuous as she liked. As was her mind, she preferred to be in darkness and isolated in the comfort of her bedroom and was only here at the beseeching of her husband.

Usagi took another sip of wine; she ordered the sweet, sparkly stuff as usual. While the laughing and singing converged into a vacuum of background noise in her mind, she began to hyper-focus on the bubbles in her drink. If only her state of mind were like them: floating aimlessly within the liquid pain destined to make it to the top and burst to breathe in the air of relief. But she seemed fated to be stuck underwater—alone, anchored, and unable to drown, her lungs filled with a bubbly sea of despair and dread. Each passing day she felt pulled further away from the surface, without any hope or death. And if drowning wasn’t going to kill her, she yearned for something else to do it.

* * *

“So… how was bathroom duty?”

“Shut up.” 

“So I take it, it was… bad duty?”

Fighter and Healer cackled in response to the former’s immature pun, congratulating each other by touching elbows. Maker only rolled her eyes. 

“Get it out of your system now before we reach the king.”

“Well, we know who to go to for help getting anything out of our system!” 

Fighter wheezed so hard at Healer’s remark, she had to stop mid-step and hold herself up on a wall. Her partner in crime also paused to join in the laughter, but the brunette was not in the mood for pit stops (heh) as she kept her pace forward.

“I am done with both of you.”

Maker only had to wait a few moments for the other two to catch up, still carrying on with residual humor and wiping tears as they stumbled up to the closed door to the king’s working chambers. At her wits’ end, Maker thought to have some kind of revenge and knocked on the door before Fighter and Healer could completely gather their bearings. 

The Starlights were met by Prince Kyo, dressed in a formal robe.

“Good morning, Prince.” Maker was the first to bow, resulting in the other two following suit, coughing and clearing their throats to suppress their giggles.

He nodded. “Good morning. Please come in.”

They formed a line and entered the chamber. Fighter was bringing up the rear when Kyo had to remind her of that fact with a covert pat on her bottom. Fighter stole a glance toward him over her shoulder with glaring yet playful eyes.

The Starlights stood to face the king at his desk, bowing in respect as Kyo took his place behind his father. The king, also dressed in a formal robe, was in the midst of writing on a document when he addressed the three guardians before him.

“Thank you for coming, my Starlights. How are you feeling this morning?”

Fighter answered with a single nod. “Very well, your highness.”

“That’s good to hear. We’ve heard word that a vast majority of guests have suffered from food poisoning at the event last night.”

Healer and Maker looked at each other in shock, and Fighter did her best to pretend.

“Poisoning? Really? How many people?” Healer questioned.

“Seems about eighty percent of our guests were affected,” Kyo answered.

Fighter blinked her blue eyes in disbelief at him. “Eighty percent? Are you sure?” Either that warlock of a butler lied or curses have the ability to cross-contaminate.

The prince shrugged. “Give or take. Maybe as much as eighty-five.”

The lead guardian crossed her arms with a huff, reminding herself that no matter what the number, they at least got what they deserved.

“Well, I certainly hope they… feel better.” Yes, that’ll throw them off for sure.

“Oh yes, nothing serious. No deaths… yet.” The king chuckled as he finished his writing. After he closed the document within a red leather book portfolio, it was now time to get to business. 

“As of this morning, we’ve received reports of four Kamokian scout ships circling in the exosphere.”

Each guardian gasped under her breath; if their power-hungry neighbor planet was spotted in their airspace, it could only be understood as a hostile move. 

“How many field guardians have been mobilized?” asked Fighter.

“Seventy-thousand.”

“That’s not even a quarter of our defense. We must double it.”

“We plan to.”

“Very good. Maker, Healer, and I are ready to lead on any and all fronts. Kamoku’s offense is barely a hundred-thousand strong, even with Ginmoku.”

“That’s not what I called you in here for.” The king’s serious expression never faltered, leaving the guardians perplexed.

He continued. “A war would ruin us. Not in deaths, but in destruction; Kinmoku has only finished rebuilding which has brought us in debt by billions of taras. Our economy would tank all over the planet. We can surely win, but we surely won’t survive.”

His words put weight in the air, though Fighter wasn’t about to accept it.

“Your highness, we won’t let you down. Even if it does take us ten-thousand years to rebuild, knowing our planet and people are safe will keep us going. We will do whatever it takes to fight and rebuild again. There is always a way.”

He nodded, touched by her perseverance and loyalty, though those things don't feed a civilization.

“‘There’s always a way.’ You’re exactly right. Which brings me to ask: are you still on good terms with the Milky Way guardians?”

Milky? Way? Fighter tried to gulp down the familiar lump that always appeared in her throat at the worst times. She hadn’t thought of those words or its existence in so long, and merely hearing it brought back anxiety she hadn’t felt since then. 

No. She can’t go back.

Maker took up the torch to answer since their leader seemed rendered speechless all of a sudden. “My King, to be honest, it’s been years since we’ve been in touch. I can’t imagine that they would shut the door in our faces, though.” 

“You left on good terms?”

“Yes, my King.” Maker reassured.

_I will shut a door on your face if you don’t shut up, Taiki!_

“Good. We could annihilate Kamoku before they even touch the ground with them as our ally.”

Fighter talked through the lump to bring some sense to the room. “Your highness, there are only nine guardians for the whole galaxy. Every other planet besides Earth is uninhabited. And even still, we only associated regularly with five of them.”

“But nine of them were able to protect the whole planet?”

Healer raised a finger. “To be honest, it was Sailor Moon pretty much by herself.”

_Yaten, shut the fuck up!_

“That’s good… that’s good news.” The king trailed off as he nodded with hopefulness, his fingers stroking his salt and pepper goatee. “We’ll take as many as you can get, but as long as you get _her_ —”

“My—my King.” Fighter couldn’t hide the distress in her voice. “Please… we can defeat them ourselves. We can draw the enemy to rural areas and—”

“That’s not a risk I’m willing to take. They know exactly what they’re doing.” 

“With all due respect, your plan is really to beg for help? We don’t need it!”

“ _Recruit allies_.” The king corrected, unappreciative of Fighter’s tone. “I am not above or below protecting Kinmoku at all costs, even if we have to beg.”

A sudden knock at the door threw everyone out of the intensity. And only a half-second later, a palace guardian showed herself in while clutching a folded piece of paper. She walked to the desk and bowed as she held out the parchment toward the king. Once he took it, she turned around and showed herself out without an utterance of a word.

The king unfolded the paper, read, and tossed it back on his desk quickly enough for it to all seem as one motion.

“Another scout has been spotted in the northwestern hemisphere. You will depart for Earth within the week.”

* * *

Her hands were vigorous as they sifted through her hangers, trying to find garments that will help them blend in on Earth, and not make them stick out like the aliens they were. And then, in the dusty darkness that is the end of the closet, her eyes spotted a red jacket… 

She tried a handful of times to convince the king to let her stay behind; begged him, even. But he insisted her efforts on Earth were worth more than on Kinmoku. He declared his word final, and that she would be arrested for treason if she challenged his decision again. That option was tempting… 

Seiya hadn’t thought of Usagi and her time on Earth in so long. Sure, a smell, a sound, or maybe spotting a blonde woman in a crowd would trigger some memories, but she only let them pass through her mind, never overstaying their welcome. The years stacked on and she decided the chance of seeing Usagi again was not worth a calculation, and ever so slowly, her heart relaxed. Time and experience separated Seiya from that point in her life as hindsight painted her younger heart as naïve and idealistic to a fault.

But now to face her again… the mere idea of it overwhelmed her. It wasn’t like she didn’t have closure—he fucking waved goodbye to her from the rooftop on that last day. So why is she so affected? Why is she so damned agitated and scared?

“So you really think it’s a bad idea?”

Seiya came out of her thoughts as she swiped that shoulder-padded abomination from its hanger and strode to her bed where an open duffel bag lay.

“No,” she placed the final garment inside the bag. “It’s just… not a _good_ idea.”

Kyo, sitting on the bed beside the luggage, looked into it as she shoved the red jacket to make it fit. 

“Sailor Moon… that’s that girl you’ve talked about before, right?”

“Yes.”

“Do you not want to see her?”

“It’s not about her,” Seiya pulled the zipper closed with a tight jaw. “I think it makes us look bad to ask for help. It’s important that our people believe in us.”

“But you said, ‘whatever it takes.’”

“Whatever it takes _in our galaxy_. I didn’t think that meant sending us to another one.”

“If it were any other _other_ galaxy, would you be this upset?”

She paused, staring into the abyss of her bag. “Probably not.”

The prince’s mouth twitched in a smirk. “It’s okay to be nervous. You were in love with her—”

“Whoa! No! Stop!” Seiya put a finger in his face, her senses back in defense mode. “I’m not so sure it was love. I’m a completely different person now. _She_ is a different person now. So none of that matters. I was stupid and young, and it’s all in the past. I’ve made peace with that.” 

Kyo decided to keep pushing. “Have you really?”

“Kyo! Please! Why do you—!” Seiya felt her voice rising, her anger burning, the anxiety overflowing. She caught herself before she would say something hurtful, and it took so much strength that tears began to fall.

Realizing she was truly struggling, he stood up to take her in a tight embrace, giving her his apology with his arms. She wasted no time to unload.

“It’s just so much. With fucking Kamoku, and you getting married, and now I have to leave to go face her. And not only that but I have to ask for her help. What if she doesn’t want to see me? What if she doesn’t want to help us and it’s because of me?”

Kyo kissed her temple as he stroked her raven hair in an effort to soothe her. “I know that person is not the Sailor Moon you told me about. And if she is, then we don’t want her help. You are our Starlight, first and foremost.”

He leaned back to look into her eyes and continued: “We will be okay. If Kamoku attacks, we have enough guardians to defend ourselves. And if we have to rebuild again, we will rebuild again. As for my wedding, the princess and I both know this is purely political. I will not cast you aside because of this marriage.”

Seiya smiled and wiped away a single, silent tear. “You don’t have to worry about me, Kyo. I’ll be fine and I’ll understand.”

“Understand what? I mean it.”

“I know… I know you do. But—”

Kyo’s embrace tightened in an abrupt movement, jolting Seiya into silence. His red eyes kept gazing into her deep blues.

“But… you will make it back in time for my coronation?”

Her face softened. “Of course, Kyo.”

“I wouldn’t be a true king if the fighter, defender, and protector of our planet, galaxy, and universe wasn’t there—” He couldn’t quite put a period on his request as Seiya began to writhe within his embrace from annoyance.

“I’ll be back at least to kill you for that.” Her glossy eyes stared daggers.

“I look forward to it.” The prince chuckled and took her mouth captive with his for a few moments.

However, a knock at the door would interrupt them. With a parting peck, Seiya stepped out of Kyo’s arms and opened the door to reveal an unfamiliar palace guardian, who bowed before she spoke.

“Sailor Star Fighter, Princess Kakyuu requests your presence.”

* * *

Mamoru sighed as he came to a red light and brought the car to a smooth stop, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel as he looked over to Usagi in the passenger seat. She rested her chin atop her fist as her elbow lay supported on the window ledge. While she looked the part with her dark pink cocktail dress, heels, and complementary makeup, the sullenness in her eyes gave her away. A few months ago she would still be riding the high of the night singing and laughing with a happy drunken slur while blasting her favorite songs on the car sound system, but this time they rode in silence. She didn’t even notice his stare which lasted for several moments, as she kept her gaze outward at nothing in particular. 

He shifted in his seat and set his elbow on his window ledge. “How many drinks did you have tonight?”

She took her time with an answer void of emotion, still looking out the window. “I don’t know… four, five?”

“Should you be drinking on your medication?”

“I stopped taking it.”

“You stopped taking it? When?” His voice raised in harsh concern.

“I decided about two weeks ago.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t like how it made me feel.”

“Usa, you’re not supposed to stop taking that type of medicine like that—”

“I called Dr. Kagoya and he told me how to wean off of it. My last dose was a few days ago.”

Mamoru threw his head back on the headrest in relief. But still… “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew you would worry, and I’ve put you through enough of that.” Usagi looked forward and adjusted the air vents away from herself.

He sighed heavily as the light turned green and he pressed on the accelerator. However, Usagi read into such a simple action.

“Are you mad at me?”

He shook his head, keeping his eyes on the road. “No, Usa… It’s just… I worry about you getting worse again. I thought you were doing better on it.”

“I’ll figure it out, okay? I’m trying. I know very well that I’m hard to deal with.” Her tone seemed especially fretful. The four-to-five drinks only enhanced it instead of calming her.

“That’s not what I meant. It’s just that you’re eating, you’re sleeping… there was progress with the meds.”

“So you don’t think I can do this on my own?”

“No, I—” God, not again. Not another fight. “It’s okay to need help, okay? That’s all. If you think you can do it on your own, then I support you. But Maro can always put you on something else if you didn’t like the first stuff.”

“Yes, your friend can just ‘put me on’ whatever makes life easier for you.”

Mamoru became defensive, gesturing over the steering wheel. His eyes darted back and forth between her and the road. “I didn’t—why do you say shit like that?” 

Usagi’s voice began to shake, her words coming out as whimpers as large tears began to fall down her cheeks. “Because it’s true! I know you want to get away! You spend so much time at work and with your friends so you don’t have to deal with me!” 

“But I invite you out all the time! I even had to beg you to come out tonight!”

“Because you feel like you have to because I’m your wife and you have to do those things!”

“Usa, I _want_ to spend time with you!”

“No, you don’t! Who would want to be with me? _I_ don’t want to be with me.” She buried her wet, sobbing face into her hands, releasing months of emotions

Mamoru stayed quiet, feeling tired, oh-so tired. 

“I just want to be happy, Mamo.” Usagi was so desperate in her pleas, lowering her hands onto her cheeks. “I promise, I’m trying. I just want to be normal so bad. I’m so sorry I put you through this.”

“Don’t be sorry.” He lowered his voice as he put a hand on her thigh. “I love you, okay?”

“I’m sorry, Mamo. I’m so sorry. I love you so much. Please don’t leave me.” She clung to his arm, her tears and makeup rubbing off on his shirt.

The car then became silent again. After Usagi’s crying subsided, she returned to a swollen, burning stare outside the window. This time, she held Mamoru’s hand in her lap until they made it back to the house. As she stepped out on their driveway into the late spring night, she managed to catch a glimpse of three shooting stars in the distance. Though it was only for a moment, she forgot about her current state. For a moment she didn’t think about the pain and her mind was free. For a moment her chest was light and her heart beat in a normal rhythm. At that moment, she focused on the stars, as they reminded her of something familiar and warm. Something from the past, perhaps, but most of all: something that was missing.


	4. Stuck on Repeat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay. If she forgets the key code, it’s 7392.”
> 
> She raised an eyebrow. “Are you not home?”
> 
> “No, I’m at work.”
> 
> “Oh shit.” Seiya buried her hand in her hair to scratch her head, trying to recall if Usagi mentioned anything about that sometime in the night. “Uh, yeah, she’s pretty drunk, though. She might need help.”
> 
> “Yeah, I have like six more hours of my shift. Can she stay with you?”
> 
> Seiya could feel her heartbeat in her ears and the butterflies slamming against her stomach. She shot a glance at the bunhead, who was distracted offering some of her hydrating beverage to Taiki. 
> 
> “Sure… we can take her for the night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This chapter contains themes of anxiety and depression. Please read at your discretion.*
> 
> \---
> 
> "Stuck on Repeat" by Little Boots

“Usa, are you about to get ready?”

Mamoru emerged from the closet buckling his belt on his black work trousers. Usagi lay in bed with the television on low volume and shook her head, which sat atop a pillow. Her thumb was hard at work scrolling on her phone. 

“I’m not gonna go tonight.”

“But you have to go.”

“Why?”

“Because… Mina said she has a surprise.”

She lowered her phone to eye her husband suspiciously. “How do you know that?”

“She texted me. To make sure that you go.”

Her suspicion was cast to the back of her mind as her eyes rolled back. “Last time she said it was a surprise, she tried to sell us dildos.”

Mamoru breathed out a chuckle. “I can guarantee that’s not the same type of surprise tonight.”

“Do you know what it is?”

“I do, actually.” He spoke with such casualness as he sat on his side of the bed with his back to her, slipping on black trouser socks.

Usagi laid her phone down and sat up to stare at the back of Mamoru’s head, her curiosity piqued. “And?”

He turned around with a smirk. “I’m not telling you.”

She threw herself back on her pillow, curiosity replaced with stubbornness. “Fine, then I’m not going.”

“Usa, come on. You don’t have to stay out all night. Just go for a couple of hours and leave early.”

“But they all just sit around and talk about work and how busy they are and how much dating sucks, and I'm just there unable to say anything. And then they start asking me, ‘Why are you still so sad? You have nothing to be sad about.’ I love them, but it’s not worth it.”

Mamoru sighed through his nose in sympathy but remained steadfast in his mission. “Please, Usa.”

“Why do you want me to go so badly?”

“Because it’s good for you to get out. You haven’t left the house at all this week, not even for your session with Maro. And the surprise is _for_ you. They’re trying, Usa. We all are.”

She groaned as she shook her head with a whimper. “Mamo, please. I don’t want this right now.” Her eyes squint shut.

“But you need this.” He crawled over to her and planted a kiss on her cheek and felt her body relax, thus accepting that as a white flag from her. “The hotel is near the hospital. I can drive you there on my way to work.”

With a sigh full of defeat, Usagi nodded. She pecked his lips with the disparate feelings of vexation and gratefulness, and then she was off to the shower. Mamoru knew she lived as a prisoner of her own mind and it rendered her a shell of her normal self. Her release date was yet to be determined.

To him, the change seemed sudden. He finished his residency and landed a job working the night shift at an emergency room at the start of the year. Things seemed fine at first. They talked through how tough the schedule would be, but she was positive about it, as was her standard back then. This sacrifice would only be for a couple of years until he had enough experience to transfer to another position with better hours. And even after a few months at the job, she still seemed okay. She was going on a few years working at a daycare and had proper distractions and responsibilities. Their schedules even allowed them a couple of overlapping hours of time together in between when she came home and he left.

But then the panic attacks started. They were cuddling on the couch watching television when Usagi sat up abruptly rubbing her chest. Then she had to get up and pace the room as she hyperventilated, wondering out loud what was happening. He checked out her vitals to find her heart rate and blood pressure elevated, but fine otherwise in a physical sense. He diagnosed her panic attack and, after fixing her some tea and reassuring her she wasn’t dying, it seemed he talked her down enough for him to leave for work. 

When he came home that morning, he was met with an exhausted Usagi in bed; she had been awake all night, afraid she was going to have a heart attack in her sleep.

The severe anxiety persisted. Within a week, Usagi had quit her job and spent her days holed up at the house. The effects were strong enough to have spread to her stomach, and she would barely nibble on even her usual favorite junk food treats, causing her weight to plummet to a concerning amount. Mamoru considered swiping a feeding tube from the hospital on multiple occasions.

While he slept during the day, she found a constant company in a rotation of a few comforting movies and television shows. And every weekend, her friend group would invite her out for some sort of activity, but Usagi was rarely in the mood or had the energy. Even if she would join them, she was disconnected—barely smiling, talking, or existing.

Mamoru talked to a psychiatrist friend from medical school, who was more than happy to take her on as a patient. She walked away from her first appointment with an anti-depressant and a mild sedative and had been back once a week since then. Along with that, Mamoru tried his best with constant suggestions for her to go to school, volunteer, take up a hobby, exercise more, go outside… anything to distract herself and snap out of it. With all the alone time she had, sitting around the house and stewing in her own thoughts was certainly not working for her. But most times conversations would end with her breaking down and claiming she was trying, or she didn’t know what to do to get herself back to normal, as she still didn’t understand why she was the way she was in the first place. And then nothing would change.

Eventually, after a couple of weeks on the medicine, the anxiety leveled off, and her sleep and appetite improved, but she still wasn’t the same. Her eyes held emptiness as she still spent her days in front of the television and on her phone, barely leaving the bedroom. By that point, Mamoru was completely out of ideas—he felt tired and helpless, unable to throw a rose in for this one.

Even when he would try to include her in his outings, it was more miss than hit that she would be up to join him. And for her to go by herself with her friends seemed like an even harder feat. Nevertheless, she’s up and showering, and that was worth a victory mark for both him and her.

* * *

Usagi stepped out of the car with a simple, “bye, love you,” and watched Mamoru’s black Mercedes sedan drive off down the street. She reached around herself to smooth down her ivory A-line dress, not realizing how short the hem was until she sat in the car. She’ll just have to put Rei on booty duty for the night to notify her when she’s bending over too far.

She took in a deep breath as she stared through the windows of the hotel. It was quite fancy, with crisp uniformed employees, a large crystal chandelier in the lobby, and a white tablecloth restaurant area. Minako had mentioned she was cast in a television show and the studio put her up in the hotel while they filmed nearby. Must be a good show.

Usagi took her time in her five-inch sparkling platform Louboutins. She tried her best to allow her surroundings to distract from her dispiritedness. For if she thought about it too much, she could psyche herself into calling an Uber home; it has happened before. It wasn’t that she didn’t like her friends, but socialization with anyone felt exhausting, and the energy of even thinking about having to carry on a conversation would make her sigh herself into another dimension. But for tonight, she would just have to deal… for Mamoru, for her friends… 

She let out one more big sigh before she knocked on the door of room number 18307.

“Ah! Usagi! You’re here!” Minako screeched with a bounce as she opened the door halfway. Soon, three more bodies popped into view—Ami, Rei, and Makoto—screeching in their own respective dog-sensory decibels.

Oh god, this was a mistake. Usagi’s smile turned uneasy, and she held her red clutch purse to her chest in an instinctual protective measure. Why are they all acting like this? 

“Hi, everyone.” She gave a small wave.

Each of the women in the room was already holding their pre-game drinks, and the bunhead had a good inkling it wasn’t their first. However, none of them made a move to let her inside.

“Okay, you have to close your eyes for the surprise!” Minako winked.

Usagi cocked her head. “What?” 

“Close your eyes, Usagi!” Rei repeated with enthusiasm. She must have been on her third or fourth drink for her request to not already be laced with annoyance.

“In these shoes? No way!”

Ami swooped in for the compromise. “Maybe just look down!”

“But we have to make sure she doesn’t see!” Rei raised her palm. 

“Take off your jacket. We’ll put it on her head!” Makoto suggested, already reaching for Rei’s black blazer.

“No! She’ll get makeup on the lining!”

“If her head’s down, it won’t even touch her face!”

“Did _you_ bring a jacket? Use yours! It’s bigger anyway!”

The loudness, the arguing… Although harmless, it was becoming too much stimulation for Usagi. Minako noticed the scared look on her face and thus waved her free arm about to shush everyone.

“Oh my god! Stop! Usagi will just look down and we’ll all stand around her and lead her in. Mako, since you’re tall, you stand in front of her.”

“Do I really have to do this?” Usagi felt like she was being punished.

“Please humor us, Usagi.” Ami held her hands up angled in a prayer sign while still holding her drink. “We promise it’s worth it.”

It wasn’t every day Ami played along with the rest of their shenanigans. If even she was asking, it must have been a legit, big surprise. So with a begrudging breathy word of, “fine,” Usagi lowered her head and held out her arms.

The four women formed a half-circle around her, each holding onto various areas of her arms. With very careful movements, they all shuffled inside the hotel room, extra vigilant of their feet since their heels were all at least three inches off the ground. Makoto, from her position directly in front, rested her chin atop Usagi’s head to make sure she didn’t decide to pop it up. 

It was after several movements Usagi heard the door close and then they all stopped. Her head felt lighter from Makoto releasing it. 

“Okay, you’re good here. Now close your eyes and raise your head.” Minako spoke from Usagi’s right side.

Without protest, she obeyed, while also lowering her arms, still feeling a couple of hands holding onto her. Then, everything went silent.

“Open!”

Usagi obeyed once again to stare into familiar deep blue eyes from only three feet away. Although it took her a couple of seconds to process the three women before her, the breath was immediately sucked out of her.

“Hello, Odango.” Seiya greeted with a smile, standing in between Taiki and Yaten.

Usagi’s vision began to blur and she couldn’t speak. The only thing that came out of her mouth were heavy huffs, as she was trying with all her physical strength to suppress her sobs. She dropped her red clutch to bring her hands to her face.

“S—Seiya?”

Seiya nodded, though her concern at the bunhead’s reaction grew every second. “Yes, it’s me.”

Usagi began to hyperventilate as the tears finally escaped down her cheeks, taking her mascara with them. As much as she tried, she couldn’t contain the loud, powerful weeping that followed. All four friends put a hand on Usagi’s shoulders or arms to provide moral support, careful not to interrupt.

Seiya’s face dropped. Though she had a thousand different scenarios of this moment in her head, this one was a contender only by ending with Usagi banishing them for eternity from Earth. She held her hands up in preparation to console her. 

“Odango, are—” 

“Oh my god, Seiya!” Usagi walked up to her and threw her arms around her waist, resting her chin on her shoulder. “I can’t believe it’s you! You’re here!”

Seiya embraced Usagi’s shoulders, her body relaxing from rigidity into relief. She looked at the rest of the inners for a wordless explanation for Usagi’s state, but they all gave her a thumbs-up or an O-K hand sign, inferring what was happening was a good thing.

“Good god, Usagi, it’s only us.” Yaten put a hand on her hip and took a sip of her drink. Reading rooms weren’t her specialty.

Usagi didn’t even hear her, as she was deep in another rare moment of bliss and genuine forgetfulness of the pain. Seeing her old friend was truly unexpected and gave her brain a small break from the overthinking and hopelessness. For the first time in months, the happiness was real; it was barely alive as that tiny ember within the ashes, which managed to flicker only when it wanted to. Usagi even laughed as a natural release and tightened her hold on Seiya’s waist. She never wanted to let go—of the feeling or of Seiya. As far as she knew right now, they were the same.

The Starlight sunk into her arms overwhelmed with that sense of strong adoration and affection coursing through her body all over again, and only from seeing her for barely a minute. How was it she was still able to do this to her? Not even Kyo gave her such a feeling in all their years together. And oh, was Usagi more beautiful than she remembered. Her light was still enough to provide noticeable warmth, but Seiya felt it was noticeably dimmer than before. And there was such darkness eclipsing this light. She recalled how much of a fight she put up not to come and felt a sudden wave of guilt to think if she were successful.

_Odango, are you okay?_

“Hey, not to interrupt, but dinner is in an hour.” Taiki tapped on Seiya’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry! How are you both?” Usagi sniffled and slinked away from Seiya to give proper huggy welcomes to the other two. 

Once the newness wore off, Yaten offered to touch up Usagi’s makeup and led her into the bathroom. Seiya wasted no time out of her presence to question the remaining four guardians on what the hell just happened, but didn’t get much out of them. They could only tell her in four different ways that she was depressed.

Usagi soon emerged from the bathroom with a flawless face of makeup. Yaten took some liberties by adding more shadow and shading to her eyes, presenting a woman ready to take on the town. And to Seiya’s pleasure, Usagi beelined it for her, giving her another small hug around her waist.

“I can’t believe it’s you. You look so good!” She couldn’t help but notice the subtle yet obvious muscle definition in the Starlight’s bare arms and shoulders, which gracefully extended from under her thin-strapped little black dress. Not to mention the S-curve of her body was out of this world and quite enviable. Compared to Usagi’s memories of Seiya as a boy, seeing her in her pure form of an elegant adult woman had her mesmerized.

“Thank you. So do you, Odango!”

Usagi wrapped a small hair tendril around her finger and waved a dismissive hand. “Yaten is really good at covering the wear and tear.”

Seiya shook her head with a smile as she grabbed a fresh beverage from the kitchen island counter. “I made you a drink.”

“Ooh thank you!” Usagi accepted it and took her first sip. “So, this is actually _your_ hotel room? How long have you been here?”

“For about a week. It took us a few days to get settled in.” 

“And you called Mina first? How long has she known you were here?” 

Seiya looked up in thought. “Uhh, since… Wednesday?”

“I can’t believe her. Keeping you all to herself.” Usagi pouted.

Wait, keeping _you_ all to herself, or _you all_ to herself? _Fuck it, don’t think about stupid stuff, Seiya._

“Not for long,” Seiya winked. “The surprise was her idea.”

“How long are you here for? _Why_ are you here? Not that… it matters… but it’s been twelve years and you all suddenly show up!” Usagi widened her eyes to show her excited curiosity.

“We’re here for business actually.”

She nodded, expecting Seiya to expound, but the silence wore on. “Okay…”

“It’s… really boring. We can explain later.” Seiya tried to suppress her uneasiness with a big sip of her whiskey. All three Starlights agreed not to divulge anything tonight as there were still discussions to be had on how they would approach the Earth guardians on their political matters.

Before more conversation could continue, Minako took it upon herself to announce the countdown.

“Ten minutes to finish up and then we’re calling the Ubers!”

* * *

Dinner was a chaotic and seemingly endless feast. If Seiya didn’t know any better and was maybe drunker, she would not have picked up on Usagi’s depression; however, the nuance of her barely touching her meal was a glaring sign if there was one. Seiya even offered a taste of her own food (which included probably some of the best french fries she has ever tasted), to which the bunhead declined.

Seiya was concerned Usagi didn’t have much to eat during the day either, and Yaten was getting ridiculous with the multiple rounds of shots. Luckily they were all fruity, sweet mixtures with more liqueur than alcohol, and Usagi was still able to balance in her monster heels once they made it to the nightclub.

Usagi rode the wave of happy drunkenness for a majority of the night, but then Seiya noticed the disassociation kicking in after a couple of hours of dancing. Her cerulean eyes would look down into the distance at nothing, and she would sway her body out of rhythm. Sometimes she stopped to take in a few deep breaths and then a huge sip of her drink of sweet, sparkling wine in efforts to reclaim the high. After a while, when even the others began to notice Usagi’s falling mood, Seiya whispered in her ear, “Let’s get some air.”

Usagi smiled big and nodded without a word. Seiya grabbed her hand to lead her through the crowd and out into the outdoor seating area. They were able to find a padded bench nestled in a corner.

“Seiya,” Usagi slurred as she fell into the seat. “I need to tell you something.”

Seiya, from the other side of the bench, leaned in in hopes Usagi would maybe begin to open up about her mental issues.

“I just… can’t get over how good you look. You look _so_ good!”

Well, she’ll take that, too. The Starlight blushed and touched her shoulder to her cheek in flattery. “Thank you, Odango.”

“But I mean you're in such good shape and just look so pretty! And like you were cute back then but you’re like, _gorgeous_ now! Every single guy in there was staring at you.”

Seiya’s blush reached her ears and she clammed up. Could she be hitting on her? But then again, this could be construed as drunken straight-woman talk, too… right? All this thinking was really making her head spin faster. Calm down.

“Odango, stop. You’re so sweet.” She erred on the side of friendship. “But so are you! You wear that dress beautifully.” There were a lot more compliments that she wanted to say, but were way too inappropriate for a married woman, and fortunately, the whiskey was a weak foe against her inhibitions for tonight.

“Ugh, this dress is so old and I’m so out of shape.” Usagi poked her relatively small, soft, squishy bicep.

“You still look beautiful, Odango.” Seiya cocked her head with a smile. She could tell Usagi was self-conscious, almost like she didn't believe her. 

Usagi changed the direction of the conversation. “Are you all like, still transforming and stuff?”

“Oh yes, every day—training and still serving in the palace. What about you?”

“Um, no… not at all.” She laughed and shook her head.

“Well, that’s good, right? It means no enemies?”

“Sure.” Usagi looked into the depths of her cup longer than what was deemed normal before throwing back the rest of her drink. “Honestly, I don’t think I would remember how to fight if anything ever happened. I can’t even find my brooch.”

“I lose mine way more than I’d like to admit. Don’t feel bad about that.” Seiya began to brush her hair with her fingers, which laid over her left shoulder.

God, even her hair was so fucking gorgeous. That volume, that shine… it probably smelled good, too. Usagi wondered about burying her face in it, unable to resist gaping into the raven void as she rested her chin on her hand.

“So, how’s Mamoru?” Seiya cut through the silence and stole a glance down at her own hair to make sure she didn’t have some leaf or bug hanging out in there if that’s what Usagi was looking at.

Focus! Eyes up and ahead! “Uhhh he’s good. He just finished his resisidenency… and is a doctor now!”

Seiya snickered at her slur. “That’s nice. And did you get married when he was still in school?” She also couldn’t ignore the giant pink rock on her hand all night.

“Oh, um,” Usagi looked down at her ring as if she forgot it was there. “Yes. It’ll be ten years in December.”

“Wow, congratulations.” Was that convincing? Her fake smile looked more like a grimace.

“Thanks. He proposed right after you guys left. And he’s such a huge romantic, that he wanted to get married that year. ‘Cause, you know, we were both still traumatized about his death and stuff. But my parents wanted me to wait until I graduated.”

“I’m glad it all worked out, though.” Seiya threw her hair behind her back with one swipe; if she played with it anymore, she would create more tangles than remove them. “What about you personally? What have you been up to?”

“Um,” Usagi then really got tense, but she was enjoying the talk with Seiya, so she kept talking. “I’m unemployed… but y’know, taking it easy.”

“How has that been going?”

“Yeah, it’s been um… it’s, um… it’s been okay.” She tittered. “I have been learning the hard way that life has its own plans for you.”

“The hard way?”

“Well,” she leaned in to whisper, but still spoke at a normal volume. “You remember when I told you about Crystal Tokyo and my child from the future?”

It took Seiya a few seconds, but the lightbulb did go off. She even snapped her fingers. “Yes! Yes, I remember that.”

“Well, that was supposed to happen like, a while ago. But Mamo thought it would be good for us to put it off. Because, in hindsight, when we met our future selves, we felt they were a bit… out of touch with the people? So we decided to continue with this life to know what it’s like for them. And we can be better rulers, y'know?" Usagi gestured her arms about as she gazed intently into Seiya's eyes. "So then Pluto made it so that we will be reborn one more time and Crystal Tokyo will happen in the next lifetime. Or, y’know, if we decide then to put it off again, the next-next one.” The blonde nodded, proud of herself for getting through that explanation.

Maybe the whiskey wasn’t that much of a weakling. Seiya smacked her tongue against the roof of her mouth, focusing on a consistent reference in Usagi’s language. 

“Seems like Mamoru likes to make a lot of plans for you.”

“Oh no, no!” Usagi waved her hands in defense. “We talked it out with the rest of the guardians and they agreed it would be a good idea, too! And Mamo, he’s… he’s always been like that—when he makes plans, _everything_ goes right. When _I_ make plans, I can’t even remember them. I’d lose my brain if it weren’t in my head.”

Seiya broke through serious protectiveness with a giant smile, deciding at the moment maybe she should play nice a little longer before voicing her opinions on Usagi's life choices. “Well, thank goodness for that.”

“What’s that?” Usagi furrowed her brow.

She leaned in closer and spoke louder. “Thank goodness for that.”

“For what?”

“Your brain being in your head.”

Usagi sighed and blinked at Seiya with an apologetic face. “What were we talking about, again?”

The Starlight nearly laughed herself off the bench. “It’s time for some water.”

* * *

Usagi leaned against the front brick wall of the night club sipping on her cold water through a straw. Her red clutch was tucked below her underarm as she grasped the plastic cup with both hands. Taiki and Yaten stood nearby chatting as Seiya walked over from the group of the four inner guardians standing separately a few feet away.

“We’re splitting up the rides four and four. Odango, do you have the app to call the taxi?”

She sang out an “uh-huh” and handed the purse to Seiya, who opened it up to see the pocket holding her cell phone lit up with an incoming call.

“It’s Mamoru.” Seiya had grabbed the device and held it up to show the screen.

“Can you answer it for me?” Usagi pooched out her bottom lip.

Seiya complied, swiping her thumb on the screen to answer. “Hey Mamo, how’s it going?” That one got a hissy laugh out of Usagi.

“Hmm, I’d call you ‘Usa,’ but it sounds like your phone has been stolen.”

She rolled her eyes. What a boring joke. “It’s Seiya.”

“I figured it was one of you. Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from Usa.”

“Yes, things are fine. We’re about to call a taxi.”

“Wow, she’s still out?” Mamoru smiled to himself. “Did she have fun?”

“I think so. If her shot count is any indication.” Seiya looked to the referenced party girl, who did a little shoulder dance of victory with the straw back in her mouth.

He chuckled. “That’s good. She needed it.”

“Yes, for sure. We had a lot of fun. She should be home in about thirty.”

“Okay. If she forgets the key code, it’s 7392.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Are you not home?”

“No, I’m at work.”

“Oh shit.” Seiya buried her hand in her hair to scratch her head, trying to recall if Usagi mentioned anything about that sometime in the night. “Uh, yeah, she’s pretty drunk, though. She might need help.”

“Yeah, I have like six more hours of my shift. Can she stay with you?”

Seiya could feel her heartbeat in her ears and the butterflies slamming against her stomach. She shot a glance at the bunhead, who was distracted offering some of her hydrating beverage to Taiki. 

“Sure… we can take her for the night.”

“That would work perfectly. Thank you for that. I can pick her up in the morning.”

“Okay, I’ll let her know. I’m sure she’ll call you.”

“Thanks, Seiya.”

“Bye, Mamo.” Seiya hung up and Usagi tipped her chin to indicate to the Starlight to fill her in on the conversation. 

“So, Odango, do you want to come back to the hotel with us? Mamoru isn’t home, and we don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be by yourself.”

Usagi gasped with childlike excitement. “Like a sleepover?”

With a blush taking over her face once again, Seiya grinned. “Yeah, exactly.”


	5. Lady (Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did you mean it, Seiya?”
> 
> She paused in her search to look at Usagi staring deep into her soul with an expectant gaze. Seiya had a gut feeling she knew what she was asking, but she didn’t want to err on the side of assumption.
> 
> “Did I mean what?”
> 
> “That you had a crush on me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains references to anxiety and depression. Please read at your own discretion.
> 
> But also, please enjoy :)
> 
> \---
> 
> "Lady (On Film)" by Chromatics

Usagi finished changing into one of Yaten’s two-piece nighties before sitting cross-legged at the head of the bed. Still working on her hydration assignment, she tipped her plastic cup to catch the remaining water sitting below the partially melted ice, opening her pink lips to welcome a small, soft cube and crunching on it. Her mouth was enveloped in a refreshing coldness as her cerulean eyes took in her surroundings, her nose enjoying the mixtures of fresh hotel sheets and floral body spray.

“You okay, Odango?” Seiya stood in the bedroom doorway barefoot and still dressed.

Usagi nodded fervently. “Yes! How are Yaten and Taiki?”

“Passed out.” Seiya chuckled and moved her hair over her shoulder as she glided into the room with both arms reaching from above for her zipper; one arm grabbed at the dangling piece and the other held the hem. She stopped when she reached the sliding door closet on the far side of the room, her back to the sobering blonde.

“Yaten must be really drunk.” Usagi placed her cup on the nightstand. “She was even undressing before we got in the door.”

Seiya’s zipper had been lowered enough for her to reach from below and drag it down to open her dress all the way to her tailbone. 

“Yaten gets naked all the time, she doesn’t have to be drunk.”

Usagi’s cheeks blushed on queue, seeing the garment part open to reveal Seiya’s black bra. Though her imagination wouldn’t have time to fill in the blanks as Seiya freed her arms and allowed the dress to drop to her feet, revealing black-laced cheeky panties and that the bra was strapless. Seiya then kicked the dress within the closet and began sifting through the clothes on the hangers.

There it was—the body of the guardian—a memory so faded, a physique impossible to reclaim. Usagi stiffened in a warm and wordless daze, her eyes tracing the lines and curves of Seiya’s svelte figure. With each movement of her body, the light hit and shadow formed just right, enhancing another muscle Usagi didn’t know the name of. As her eyes moved downward, Seiya’s back dimples caught her stare as if beckoning her, producing an anxious sensation within her. However, it was very unlike the anxiety she had been feeling for the past few months; it was one that she hadn’t felt _since_ a few months ago, one that went below her stomach… 

The bunhead couldn’t handle herself so she lowered her head while covering her eyes with a cupped hand. Seiya couldn’t have been more unaware of Usagi’s inner dilemma and kept speaking. 

“For as much as she likes to shop, we see more of her underwear than anything.”

“Um, Seiya,” Usagi spoke up just above a mouse squeak. “Do you need me to leave?”

The Starlight turned her head to face Usagi with a furrowed brow. “No, why?” She was rendered more confused as she saw the blonde with her eyes shielded.

Why is she making this so hard? Usagi gulped and winced. “Well… you’re… changing…”

Seiya finally put two and two together and borrowed some of Usagi’s blush. “Oh, sorry!” She brushed her hair with her fingers and lay it over her shoulders in a nervous attempt to cover herself. “We just all change in front of each other all the time. I’m sorry—”

“Oh okay! It’s okay!” Usagi assured her. Not to say she never saw a butt cheek or boob here and there with her friends, but she never felt this bothered before. 

Not wanting Seiya to feel bad, Usagi kept talking. “It makes sense if you do it all the time with Taiki and Yaten!”

“Well, all the guardians.” Seiya clarified. “We live on top of each other for the most part so there’s very little privacy. And our uniforms don’t leave much to the imagination either.”

“That’s true!” She giggled. She was still so warm in her face, she felt her hand absorbing some heat.

Silence then hung heavy in the room for a few moments as neither of them moved. Though Seiya’s brain for once failed her not and reminded her what she was doing in the closet. She took the initiative to break the ice. 

“Actually Odango, I want to show you something. Keep your eyes covered!”

“Okay!” Usagi was grateful to get past the awkwardness. She even cupped her other hand over her eyes to reassure Seiya and herself that she wouldn’t look.

Several moments passed before she heard Seiya shout, “Okay, open!”

She lowered her hands and lifted her head to see Seiya donning the famous red jacket. It swallowed her whole as the shoulder pads nearly reached her earlobes and the sleeves allowed only the tips of her fingers to peek out. Despite all three front buttons being fastened, her lacily-constrained cleavage was on full display and the length stopped just below her bottom.

“Can you believe I still have this?” Seiya laughed whilst turning and twisting her body as if she was modeling. “I thought I was so cool back then wearing this. It’s so ugly!”

Usagi tried to smile; she tried to use every muscle in her face to make the ends of her mouth curl, but they wouldn’t budge. If it wasn’t weird to use her fingers for help she would have done it, because she oh-so-badly wanted to be excited. But instead, she had to bite into her lips to hold back from bursting into tears. 

The mere sight of that jacket brought all the memories back—the battles, the concerts, the letters, the date, the rooftop… but most of all it made her remember the times when she was truly happy; times when her smiles and laughter were genuine. She knew a life as a guardian, a life with purpose, a life that wasn’t hers anymore… And she knew a girl who fought for love and justice, a girl who knew nothing of this pain, a girl whom she now regarded as a complete stranger… 

Her eyes gave her away as streams of silent tears fell down her cheeks. However, as she covered them in a weak attempt to hide, she sobbed as if she stopped holding her breath. But alas, the composure crumbled, and the bunhead was reduced to a loud, weeping mess.

Seiya wasted no time running over to Usagi and sat atop the bed across from her. How she managed to make her cry two times in one night was nothing less than worrisome. What the exact trigger was, Seiya didn’t know, however she considered herself a common denominator.

“Odango, are you okay? What’s wrong? Did I do something?”

Usagi released her wet and red face which emanated such a sadness that made Seiya’s heart twist.

“No, Seiya. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I’m like this.”

“Like what?”

“It’s just… I… there’s something wrong with me.”

“Tell me, Odango.”

She managed to explain through a series of sobs. “I don’t know why… I’ve been having panic attacks and have been really sad, but I don’t know what happened. I was sitting with Mamo one day and suddenly felt like I was gonna die and then it never went away.” 

Usagi began to heave trying to control herself; she was afraid to wake up the liquor-induced sleeps of Taiki and Yaten. Seiya, noticing her struggle, grabbed her hand in consolation, and she found the strength to continue. 

“I don’t know how to get out of this… I don’t know how I got here! I’m trying so hard to be normal, but I don’t know how anymore. Seeing you in the jacket just reminded me of a time when I was so useful and happy, and I want to be her again so badly. I don’t know who I am anymore.” She dropped her head. “I’m so sorry, Seiya. I’m so sorry you have to see me like this.”

Seiya enveloped her in a tight hug, her cheek resting atop her head. Usagi took two handfuls of Seiya’s sleeves as she continued crying into her shoulder.

“There is nothing wrong with you, Odango.” Seiya whispered. “Don’t apologize.”

“I don’t mean to unload on you. I just… it just hurts so much. I’m so sorry I cry so much.”

“It’s okay to unload, it’s okay to cry. I understand exactly how you’re feeling.”

Usagi sniffled and sat up to have her glossy eyes meet Seiya’s as a sudden calmness overtook her demeanor. 

No one has ever said that to her.

“Really? You understand?”

Seiya nodded. “Of course. I know it’s hard. I know right now it hurts so much to wake up every day, and you regret that you even opened your eyes. That even in your dreams, you can’t escape it. And trying to do normal things is the hardest thing in the world right now.”

Fresh tears now fell out of relief more than anything. “So you got better?”

The Starlight showed a smile she prayed would give the blonde hope. “Yes, and so will you.”

“But how?” Usagi’s grasp tightened. “Please tell me how you did it, Seiya.”

She gently took Usagi’s hands from her sleeves to hold them with sincerity.

“It’ll take time, Odango, but you keep holding on. You will get stronger and you _will_ get out of this. I know it’s hard not to beat yourself up, but stop telling yourself there’s something wrong with you. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! You are still normal no matter how you feel. There is a reason you feel this way and it’s okay that you do.”

“But how do I get out of this when I don’t know the reason? My life is great—I married Mamo and we’re happy, there have been no attacks—where did this come from?”

Seiya inwardly winced that Usagi had to lead with that reasoning, but it was further verification of the theory she had stewing in her mind. She looked down while ruminating over their conversations throughout the night. 

“Tell me, Odango, when did this all start?”

Usage freed her hands to wipe her face. “About three months ago.”

“And Mamoru, when did he start working nights?”

“Beginning of the year in January.” She sniffled. “Why? Do you think this has something to do with Mamo?”

Seiya bit into her lips as she looked to Usagi, trying to choose the right words through the fog of her diminishing buzz. “Perhaps. I know you mentioned that he is the planner out of the two of you.”

“Do you think he’s the cause?” Her eyes were confused and curious.

“No… not really.” Seiya paused. “I just think that maybe you don’t think enough about what you want.”

“What do you mean?”

“You mentioned tonight that Crystal Tokyo was supposed to happen a while ago but it was postponed. So if Mamoru hadn’t suggested putting it off, I would be talking to you as a queen right now, right?”

Usagi nodded. “I guess. Yeah.”

“But you’re not a queen, you’re still Usagi Tsukino.”

More nodding. “Right.”

“And you aren’t supposed to be Usagi Tsukino right now.”

“Um,” she shrugged, her eyes shifting. “No, I… guess not.”

“Do you follow me, Odango?” Seiya’s voice rose with eagerness, her hands gesturing to help drive her point, the words now flowing out like liquid courage. “You weren’t meant to be Usagi this long! She only existed to help you pass through to become this queen. You didn’t have time or a reason to think about your present or future as Usagi because she was supposed to be gone by now. Usagi’s whole existence was based on being Sailor Moon and then becoming a queen, but then you lost those identities and were left with this… this… hollow foundation, supported only by Mamoru planning the next step for you. And then when he started his job and you were left on your own, you had to truly think for yourself, and it was a very scary thing.”

Seiya couldn’t decipher if Usagi looked more outraged or overwhelmed with realization as she stared back in silence with her mouth agape. It took her a few moments before she scrunched her face and narrowed her eyes. “I… I can think for myself.”

The Starlight wasn’t surprised at the response and decided to keep poking the sleeping rabbit. 

“You said earlier that your life is great because you married Mamoru and there are no enemies. What else makes Usagi’s life great?”

“A lot!” Usagi sniffled and darted her eyes upward to help herself think. She began counting down on her fingers. “I… I have a good job that I liked… _had_ a good job, but they said I’m always welcomed back! I… I have good friends! I have a house, a _big_ house! I… um… ” 

She finally looked Seiya in the eye, who was looking back with a softened but unconvinced face; all those things were purely extrinsic. Of course, Usagi’s mind decided to completely blank on the list of reasons she had lined up to throw at Seiya, which only pissed her off. The rabbit was awake.

“I have lots of great things in my life, okay? You don’t know everything! You’ve been gone for twelve years and suddenly show up and tell me everything that’s wrong with my life? You have no idea what I’ve done!”

Seiya remained calm, though she couldn’t suppress the uneasiness and regret in the pit of her stomach. “I know, Odango. But I do know pain and I understand how much you’re hurting. I'm just trying to help you—”

“Well, this isn’t it! This isn’t helping!” The red face and tears returned.

“Okay, okay… I’m sorry. Please, Odango… I didn’t mean anything by it.” She wanted to reach out to hug her again and apologize ten thousand times. But before Seiya could make any movement, Usagi flinched up off the bed and stomped toward the bathroom.

“I need to be alone for a second.”

She didn’t close the door which made Seiya feel a little bit better about herself; Usagi didn’t want to completely shut her out. For several moments, the sounds of faint sniffling echoed into the bedroom, but then it was silent for what seemed like forever. 

Seiya kept her place on the bed, debating if she should go in or leave her alone. She kept berating herself for saying the things she did, the way that she did… She tried to be so careful with her words but got caught up in the moment. Usagi was right—who was she to make such judgments? Seiya had no idea what she had done with her life between now and then. She should have kept her mouth shut and simply have been there for her friend and listened, not try to solve her problems.

She caught the time on the alarm clock sitting on the nightstand: 2:58 AM. She completely forgot to tell Usagi that Mamoru was going to swing by later to pick her up. Yes, that’s the excuse to go in there: tell her it was best that she get to bed to feel only slightly less like trash when she had to wake up.

Seiya took her time in her journey to the bathroom, her bare feet making loud, sticky sounds as they came up off the floor. Usagi heard her coming, but didn’t move from her place sitting on the tile against the wall by the doorway, nor did she wait for Seiya to say anything.

“Mamo isn’t a bad guy, y’know.” Usagi murmured as she kept her gaze on her lap, picking at the ends of her hair. “He’s always trying to get me to do things by myself or with my friends. He’s really the opposite of controlling.”

Usagi was talking to her and not yelling—a good sign, indeed. Seiya tucked her hair behind her ear, only to then grab it in its entirety to bring it over her shoulder. 

“I wasn’t trying to say that, I promise.” She grabbed a towel and plopped it on the floor by Usagi, using it as a cushion to spare her bottom from the coldness of the tile as she sat down against the wall. 

“I’m sorry, Odango. I’m still a little bit drunk right now and wasn’t thinking. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Usagi chose to not respond with words, and instead shifted in her position to be closer to Seiya and lay her head on her shoulder. Seiya felt her stomach explode and release a thousand butterflies. Did this mean she forgives her?

“Would you tell me of your pain, Seiya?” Usagi purred as she wrapped her arms around one of Seiya’s and pulled her knees up. “Unless you don’t want to. I know I won’t be able to help but, I can listen… In case you don’t have anyone to talk to.”

Seiya gulped as the flyaways of Usagi’s bangs tickled her cheek and chin. Her own hair was twirled around her fingers as she dug deep to find the courage to open up.

“When we first arrived, it was a shock for us in so many ways. We never had a reason to have civilian identities on Kinmoku. We were only Fighter, Healer, and Maker since we were born. But here on Earth, we had to disguise ourselves and be other people… But it didn’t feel that way for me. I felt more like myself than I ever had. I was able to be a musician, an actor, a student… so many things other than being a guardian.” Seiya found the calmness from her confession to rest her cheek on Usagi’s head.

Usagi let out a small snort. “No wonder you were so confident.”

Seiya returned the sentiment before resuming her solemn tone. “But then we came back and I was hit with the reality of working in the palace. Since leaving Earth, I realized how much of myself I gave away when I took my oath as a guardian. I can’t get married or have kids, I can’t play music… My duties come first, second, and last, and I’ll never be more than the brooch on my chest. Even though I’m reminded of that every day, sometimes it’s still a hard reality to accept.” A pair of light blue eyes obscured by platinum bangs flashed in Seiya’s mind, but that image would be soon forgotten once Usagi grabbed her hand and rubbed her thumb on the back of it.

“I’m so sorry, Seiya. For what it’s worth, you’re more than a guardian to me.”

It was worth more than Usagi would ever know. Seiya managed a small smile and a small nuzzle of her head. “Thanks, Odango.”

“I’m glad you have good memories here. Those days were good for me, too. You helped me stay strong, especially when I wouldn’t hear from Mamo.”

“You helped me too, Odango.” Seiya squeezed Usagi’s hand and let her brain act upon itself for one second. “You accepted me for everything that I was. That’s why I liked you so much.”

She was quiet for half a beat. “What do you mean?”

“Hmm?”

“That you liked me.”

Um, what? That was common knowledge, right? Usagi remembered their talk before their final concert… right? Did she really forget?

“Remember I had a crush on you?”

Usagi freed her head from below Seiya’s to look at her with amusement. “You did?”

Seiya’s cheeks now matched the color of her jacket as she stared back at the bunhead in disbelief. “You don’t remember?”

“I never knew!”

Shit, she really didn’t get it. What had Seiya done? How did this happen? Abort! Abort! She broke eye contact and her grasp on Usagi’s hand before rolling on her knees in an attempt to stand up. 

“Yeah, it was—it's not a big deal—Let’s get to bed! Mamoru is picking you up in a few hours!”

“No, no, no, no, no, no! Seiya, Seiya, Seiya!” Usagi grasped Seiya’s arm with both hands to keep her on the floor, her eyes sparkling in earnest. “Please, wait, please!”

God, that look… Usagi didn’t even need to use her hands to shackle her.

“You… you had feelings?” Usagi’s voice held a mixture of pity and enthusiasm and the tiny ember inside managed to produce a glow about her.

“Odango, it was a long time ago. It’s not a big deal.” _No big deal, you were just desperately in love with her… and still are._

“That’s so funny. I mean, it’s not _funny_ , but I would have never guessed.” 

“Really?” Everyone used to joke that even blind people picked up on it.

“I just thought that’s how you treated all girls.” Usagi looked down as she shrugged, a small blush forming on her cheeks. “I would have never believed that you liked me when you had so many pretty girls after you.”

“Well,” Seiya tried to find the words, to tell the truth without being so bold; Usagi already walked away from her once tonight. “They didn’t have your light.” 

Usagi looked to be on the verge of tears again, but this time she was smiling. She released her hold from Seiya and wiped away the salty discharge before they could start their descent. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable…”

“It’s okay, Odango. But we should really get to bed.” 

Usagi nodded in agreement. Seiya stood first and offered a helping hand to her, which she accepted. They both strolled out of the bathroom with Seiya stopping in the middle of the room as Usagi kept walking toward the bed.

The Starlight noticed the empty cup on the nightstand and announced, “I’ll get you more water,” before walking out to the kitchen to grab a water bottle from the refrigerator. Once she returned, half-expecting Usagi to be passed out, she instead saw she was sitting up in bed atop the covers, still relatively wide-eyed. She placed the bottle on the nightstand.

“Thank you, Seiya.” Usagi suddenly had a somber mood to her. “Where are you sleeping?” 

“The couch in the living room has a pull-out,” Seiya answered as she walked away to a set of drawers and opened one to dig for a tee shirt. She rummaged through a small stack to look for a particular extra large blue one… she swore she put it in this drawer… Ah, there it is—

“Did you mean it, Seiya?”

She paused in her search to look at Usagi staring deep into her soul with an expectant gaze. Seiya had a gut feeling she knew what she was asking, but she didn’t want to err on the side of assumption.

“Did I mean what?”

“That you had a crush on me.”

Seiya was baffled as to why she wanted to keep talking about it. For one, it made her nervous as hell, but for two, she would assume Usagi would want to forget about it the minute she heard it; she’s happily married after all. However, if she insisted, Seiya didn’t want to evade it or lie. She respected her too much.

Seiya pulled out the shirt and closed the drawer. “Yes, Odango.”

“Really? You can tell me the truth.”

“I am. Why would I lie to you?”

“To make me feel better.”

Seiya sighed and walked over to the bed to emphasize her honesty for Usagi, however, the blonde folded her legs to the side as an invitation for Seiya to sit, never breaking her imploring stare. 

Seiya’s curiosity and nervousness formed that familiar lump in her throat. Ah, she wanted to keep talking about this for real… This is probably better anyway for her to let Seiya down gently instead of them suppressing it to the recesses of their drunken memories and being all awkward about it later. So she sat down, doing her best to remain calm and reserved, and smiled with as much sincerity as she could show.

“There are plenty of ways to make you feel better without lying to you.”

Usagi was quiet for a few moments and shifted her eyes. “What about now?”

Seiya chuckled. “I’m not lying about not lying to you—”

“No I mean, do you still have a crush on me now… even though I’m like this?”

Seiya inhaled a shaky breath through her nose, due to the lump growing big enough to choke her. Usagi looked down for a moment, sorry she asked such an uncomfortable question, but at the same time, not sorry. 

Why was she making this so hard? Why was she so curious? Was this a prank? Maybe this whole “I never knew” act was part of a ploy to get her to this point and punish her for her behavior back then. Improbable, most likely. Impossible? No.

 _What do you want from me, Odango?_ But who was Seiya kidding, she would give her life five times over for the emotional wreck in front of her, no matter the motive. This was a chance for her to be something else besides a palace guardian, even if it was a plaything… or best case scenario, a friend. And Usagi was the only person she would ever oblige, just to take her pain away even for a second. She needed her…

“Of course, Odango. As long your light keeps shining, so will my feelings.” Fuck, she was going to regret that in the morning.

Or maybe not… In a relative, unexpected turn of events, Usagi wrapped her arms around Seiya’s shoulders and placed her face in the crook of her neck. Tingles made their way up and down Seiya’s body as she felt the blonde’s eyelashes on her skin.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Seiya.” Usagi’s muffled voice sounded.

She returned the hug, sinking into her hold. “Me too.” 

They held onto each other for a while, and Seiya nearly fell asleep on her shoulder. She couldn’t have asked for things to turn out better—getting a second chance after upsetting Usagi _and_ she managed to salvage their political plans in the meantime. Yes, Seiya had to remind herself of her mission once again, but for now… now she wanted to savor the moment in her sweet embrace.

Seiya then felt Usagi loosening her body and pulling away. Naturally, she did the same, though she felt at the same time they were getting closer… 

She felt her cheek graze over hers and stop as she reached the front of her face… feeling her warm erratic breath on her mouth, the soft tops of her lips brushing her own, the tightening squeeze of her hands, the heaviness of her desires, the smell of her excitement…

And then finally, the feeling of her kiss.


End file.
